another home that isn't home

So I made it back, but I feel very homeless right now. I'm kinda staying in 2 houses: my mom's and my brother's. Clothes and stuff at both. I'm so out of place around here in these urban, all black, very young neighborhoods. I can count the number of non-black people (all white) that I've seen since Saturday night on 1 hand. Seriously. I saw them at the bank. Even though I've spent most of my life in these neighborhoods it's always a culture shock for me coming back here. And people seem to look at me as if I really am just visiting and not a native of philly. Maybe it's because I'm a bit young/eccentric/oblivious sometimes: on Sunday I was blowing bubbles and dancing on the porch with my little cousins (the 7 year old asked if i wanted to go play at her house since there are lots of 13 and 14 year olds on her street) and last night i walked back to my brother's house carrying my bear. Stuff like that draws attention (not the 15 yr olds with 2 kids), especially in his neighborhood because there are all these black men around my age who are wondering who i am and where i came from and is dave cheating on his fiancee :). Atleast at my mom's house most of the neighbors recognize me as senie's or dave's sister who was in college or, according to one neighbor, in the air force serving in iraq?!?. I'm always torn between wanting to get away as fast as possible and wanting to spearhead some community outreach programs- or atleast do some 1-on-1 mentoring. It's really sad seeing so many hopelessly poor black people, especially since most of them don't even think anything's wrong.

some unrelated rambling:

• i don't think i'll ever write another email unless i absolutely can not call instead.
• my family's hatin' on my hair: people keep asking me how i'm going to wear it for the wedding...trying to convince me to perm it.
• nowhere to swim around here so i'm getting a bike

before i hit the road

This is long because it'll probably be a while before I write again...

I got back home after midnight last night and my roommate was really happy to see me. She's always happy to see me, probably because I was her best friend this summer, but this time it was because she was worried that I was spending the night out and that she wouldn't get to say goodbye. We stayed up talking about stuff and trying not to get all emotional about it all. And this morning we left the house early to have a farewell breakfast. I didn't realize how much I would miss her until now. As much as I didn't initially like the idea of a roommate, we had a lot of fun together this summer and ended up closer than I expected. I was a little overwhelmed at first because she so quickly made me her friend and confidant, eagerly and honestly sharing all her ups and downs with me. We spent less than 2 months together and I'm sure I know her better than some of my MIT friends and vice versa, and it's not just because we were roommates. I guess I have been really fortunate to have a lot of amazing people come into my life and even better most of them are still around.

Anyway I decided it might be a good idea to start packing this morning since my parents will definitely be here tomorrow afternoon (my roommate kept laughing about me being in denial). Found my "lost" checkbook, the graduation card I never gave Nnennia :), all my ticket stubs/programs/etc from the summer that made me happy and/or sad including a fortune i kept from the kosher chinese restaurant i went to the first week my roommate came: "don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational", realized I only ironed my clothes once this summer and never blow dried my hair, I had 7 pairs of black pants hanging in my closet and I only wore 1/8 of my summer wardrobe, and I reunited with my favorite radio station 92.9 and my brassrat.

Even though I was forced to frantically and sadly change my plans to be here this summer, and I didn't have/want a real job so I was poor most of the time overall it was the best unplanned, unwanted summer experience ever. I remember the day after my birthday-also the day my roommate arrived and locked me out by accident-I treated myself to all this pampering at my favorite nail salon and bought all these new dvds, and later that day I was embarrassed by the very large amount of money i had already spent in boston on things I didn't really need. Not just in June either but all school year with no job, and i definitely didn't have the income to support all my spending habits the entire summer if i was going to pay rent and eat too. Elliott and Cie Cie probably remember this sad "epiphany" of mine :) Instead of getting a 9-5 M-F job so I could spend whatever I wanted, I decided to keep my 12-3 T/Th job and go without. In fact I was laughing with someone about how my plan to grab some people to go see Mamma Mia with me tonight failed because I forgot I was poor. I'm amazed how much stuff I did with so little money.

Of course it would've been nice if I had walked in June with my friends, but I honestly don't regret having to stay in Boston. Maybe it was destiny because everything really did work out for the best and it was a great way to close this chapter of my life. When my roommate and I were talking about our favorite summer moments, we didn't talk about the big summer adventures...We remembered the small stuff like our girls' night in of partying and pampering and too much wine (and the mouse that crashed the party), getting lost in brookline, the first day she decided to go jogging and ended up running away from instead of towards boston common even though she had planned it out with maps, when the police raided our house, when I ended up a little drunk on the roofdeck after drinking a whole bottle of champagne for the 4th, when I went on a roadtrip to long island and ended up in Philly for 3 days with only my cell phone and purse, getting addicted to 24 and smallville with my housemates, doing housechores like the dishes even though I never used the kitchen all summer, my birthday disaster turned success, sleepovers and being comfortable enough to wake up not worrying about my hair or breath, going to see the opening of spiderman2 at midnight with half the people in our house, when i wasn't feeling so good and a friend went out and brought me breakfast, learning how to play rummy, when we discovered we had the game show network, the first night I got here and I let my family move me in while i hung out with friends downstairs, cape cod with my family, becoming a swim addict...Wow, I was busy :) I hope I don't get restless in Philly.

another walking adventure

Happy Birthday, "Chica" :)
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So yesterday I walked the freedom trail. Despite it being 90 degrees outside and deciding to go on the spur of the moment in flip-flops, it was really great following the red brick road :) Ironically my favorite sites were the churches and burial grounds. I even left prayer requests, and at King's Chapel I prayed at the alter that they set up for visitors. The prayer was sincere, I even started by saying, "I don't know if anyone's listening up there but just in case here goes", but I felt like a hypocrite because of my on again, off again relationship with god. I realize though throughout my periods of not believing in christianity or any gods at all, I've never stopped being a really spiritual person. Hope I didn't just confuse people.

But anyway I made it thru the whole thing from the beginning, boston common, to the end in Charlestown. I even had time to climb bunker hill monument 10 minutes before it closed. But they lied. The guide said take your time because there are 264 steps but there were more like 296 and it was so hot and stuffy and crowded at the top, but it was still worth it. Other stuff during my walking adventure: ordered a frosty at mcdonald's, went thru a dust storm to get inside north station, during the first half of the trail I hooked up with some really interesting black people, but then when i entered the north end i was the only black/brown person for the rest of the trail. And all the extra security at the T stations made me feel even less secure because if I am in a potential terrorist location i'd really rather not know.

Of course there were a million things I could/should have done yesterday but I needed those 4 hours on the trail of not having to think about anything. In fact when I got back alot of stuff that I had been stressing about was no longer an issue. Oh and after all that walking and climbing I headed straight to the pool. I'm either a masochist or I'm addicted. Maybe I was just trying to exhaust myself to defeat the insomnia. My summer swim teacher lets me take his water workout classes whenever I want for free and after that I stayed to swim for another hour. But I still wasn't tired when I finally got home at 10... so I hung out with housemates then stayed up talking/laughing with my roommate. Last week I did miss her a little bit.

I think the freedom trail worked though because I actually got some real sleep last night: In 2 parts, a total of 6.5 hours. But I woke up sore all over and discovered that my roommate has started packing. I almost want to pretend that's she's just going away for the weekend. There's a good chance that I could be leaving Friday instead of Saturday, so I guess I should start packing too :(

sleepless in boston still

So I haven't slept much this summer which also means that I've had a lot of time to just think about stuff (and to write these early morning/late at night blogs).

For the past week I've been constantly reminded of people that either I have no desire to think about ever again-out of guilt probably-or that I currently have a difficult, complicated relationship with. Either way I wasn't trying very hard to think about them right now just because I have a lot of other stuff on my mind. It's 3 people in particular. 2 of them it's seems almost natural that they'd be on my mind but the 3rd...I don't know if it means something, I'm just feeling guilty about hurting them, or if I'm just thinking too much about stuff that could apply to anyone but I keep getting these very clear connections to them. Little stuff to someone else probably but very obvious and surprising to me...3 different ones yesterday, and the day before it was a song that I hadn't heard in a good year or 2. I was at work when it played on this itunes radio station that I've never even listened to before. It completely caught me off guard but it was definitely a good memory. And even though I haven't really seen or heard from him in like 4 months now, I seriously thought about stopping by his house after work. To say what, I don't know, I probably would've just made things worse between us. I guess I have some unresolved issues with all of these people and I should just deal with them instead of trying, rather poorly, to ignore them.

.........
I've also been thinking alot about grad/law school after Japan. And I've decided I'd rather stay overseas in Asia or Europe, join the military, or get an engineering/consultant job in the U.S. maybe in Boston or in California somewhere. As much as I love to travel though, I'm starting to prefer the last option these days. I kinda want to just start my life in the real world and have a home and a real income and all that goes with it. And if after a year or 2 that doesn't do it for me then I'll go to grad school or back to Asia. I'm still young; I can change my mind before and during all of this.

The funny thing is I think everyone else wants this exotic life for me. They expect it because I've always gone after these unique, once-in-a-lifetime experiences. But honestly if I could be a housewife and write books while I'm barefoot and pregnant, even if only for a couple of years, I'd be really happy.
.........

sailing left unconquered

So I should be at the sailing pavilion right now but...I realized that the primary reason I kept the MIT sailing class on my summer to do list is because of the person who was going to do it with me. At the beginning of the summer, and to a smaller extent even now still despite my new confidence in the pool, I had an incredible fear of drowning. And when I have to walk across harvard bridge on a very windy day or really dark night, the thought of someone (me) falling into the river never fails to cross my mind. But I figured I could conquer yet another fear by going out on a little sailboat that constantly wobbles back and forth... As long as I was with someone I could trust. If anything happened, like me losing my balance and falling into the Charles, I trusted him to quickly handle the situation not just because of his sailing experience but because I just always feel safer around him. The first time we went we arrived too late to get a spot in the class but the second time it didn't work out because of my own shortcomings in our relationship. And even if I did get someone in my house to agree to the idea of waking up at 8am, I still wouldn't be there right now because I don't trust anyone else the way I trust him.

send hugs and kisses

I had the strangest dream last night and woke up with an even stranger and completely unrelated epiphany: I might not be hugged for 11 months.

Hugs, and any other unnecessary touching, are not a part of traditional japanese culture. A lot of the younger generation though are really into american culture so it's pretty normal to see them touching in public. In fact it isn't uncommon for teens and 20somethings to have 3 or 4 boyfriends at the same time.

But anyway last summer I was hugged a total of 4 times and by the same woman. The first time, I was really surprised because she was a very typical 30-something japanese secretary and wife. And although her english was better than average she spoke japanese to me 95% of the time and she didn't know much about american culture at all. Maybe it's because of the way the company or society is structured, but even though she worked at a different site 2 hrs away in the middle of Tokyo, she became one of my osewasama's (caretaker). And took me under her wing, especially when I got really lost in my country city late one night, as if I were her child. The sentiment very expected; the hugs were not. But still 4 in 80 days sucks for someone who's use to daily affection.

I was most annoyed by how restrictive japanese culture is when one of the guys in my research group of only 5 transferred to a site in southern japan. One of his good friends at work said goodbye/goodluck/etc etc as she bowed repeatedly for several minutes. Surprisingly most of the people in my company were between 25 and 35 yrs old so I didn't think they would be so traditional. I had only known him for a month, he spoke really fast japanese most of the time in this really ruff, deep voice that was hard for me to understand, and he only knew maybe 15 english words but he was such a great, kind, funny guy that I wanted to hug him goodbye for her. And even though everyone would've just laughed if I had (they loved to point out how wakai (young), kawaii (cute), and american I was), I decided not to disrespect the japanese way of doing things.

mita koto ga aru kedo...

...daitai anime wa anmari omosirokunai yo :(

I saw some MIT club anime last night. I wasn't completely surprised by the crowd: white 30-40 yr old men (the otaku as they might be called in japanese), the token black guy with the misshapen 'fro who thinks he's cool, people that if they were walking towards you you might cross over to the other side of the street, and a few normal-looking college students. But I definitely didn't expect the family of 4 that came with their chihuahua. I went with a fellow japanese student who goes regularly and I actually enjoyed the first episode I saw but I could only take 5 minutes of the next one. The first was about this pre-teen (white with blond hair) who was given these special ninja powers but doesn't know how to use them. He goes thru all these funny adventures while trying to unleash his magical powers.

It's sad that most anime is centered around characters who are very western-looking...white because there are definitely no black or brown people. Worse, there are a lot of young people in asia, especially in Korea, who undergo drastic cosmetic surgery to match these western societal definitions of beauty. When I first saw Miyazaki's Spirited Away-a really great movie-I was shocked by how non-asian these japanese people looked. I made my mom watch it and she was like why are her parents white? And in the series that star girls there are almost always short school girl skirts and half the time these girls have blond hair and big breasts. A thin line between child porno. The episode I left in the middle of was about this blond princess who was not only naive but very insensitive and somewhat slow-witted. The evil menaces were these barely clothed psychotic-looking women. One of them was plotting to add the princess to her collection of pretty girls...It was the most ridiculous and sexist thing ever. I want my 5 minutes back.

I think I'll stick to the Miyazaki movies.

kristin cookies

So I had a lot of firsts this summer: gambling in a casino (Mohegan Sun), swimming in more than 5 feet of water, going sailing (hasn't happened yet ;), working a non-internship, regular job (never had any jobs in high school), eating at a kosher chinese restaurant, living in a frat house, police raid in that frat house at 1:30am (a cop enters my room and tells my roommate and I to go downstairs we're all arrested until someone confesses. What?!? All the guys were already in handcuffs when we went downstairs. Upon discovering so many girls-most of us were either really dressed up or barely wearing any clothes like me-one of the 15 cops kept asking about permits to house girls in frat houses...I guess he thought it might be a brothel. The underage drinking didn't help matters. Later I found out it was all because some water balloons thrown from our roofdeck hit a squad car; some guys in the house next door were arrested), and many other firsts both good and bad.

But the best, or worst, was when I decided to conquer my fear of donating blood. Ever since I was like 2 I've strongly disliked needles and I hate hospitals. Ironically when I was on the MD-PhD track, I had no problems playing surgeon and nurse on mice for my research at cornell med/hospital but I've always chosen to volunteer my time at the drives rather than my blood.

I chickened out on Monday. Then Tuesday night Kristin made me cookies just for the event and so Wednesday I wore my supergirl t-shirt and started filling out the health questionaire. At every part of the process I was nervous and kept asking each person will it hurt? During the screening step, I almost got up from my chair when she said she had to prick my finger to test my hemo levels. I was like what? 2 punctures in one day? But I just looked the other way so I wouldn't see it coming. I knew I was pale and slightly hyperventilating as I sat waiting for the final step. Sitting directly in front of the people with blood rushing out of their arms didn't help, and it also didn't help that I hadn't drank much fluids before coming.

When I was lying down on the table with silent tears the nurse commented about having some difficulty choosing between my arms because my veins were so small. So I told her how scared I was and that if she wasn't certain she could get this done in one needle puncture I would just come back another time. She tried to relax me by asking all these questions about my plans after MIT as she marked a spot and put a catheter on my right arm, which really hurts, and while prepping gave me some time to think about whether I wanted to donate or not. I thought about it for 2 minutes then got up and left with my purple markered arm and bandaged finger. I told her I would come back tomorrow fully hydrated but I knew that I probably wouldn't be back. I asked if I would have to get my finger pricked again-yes.

I called my mom just outside of the room and convinced myself that it was now or never. All the nurses laughed when I walked back in 10 minutes later. But despite more silent tears I did it. All in vain though because it was going too slowly for a pint of blood to be collected (those small, dehydrated veins). I was actually disappointed when she removed the needle. They made me stay in the canteen area for 40 minutes and because of the catheters my arm was stinging in pain for 3 more hours at home. All this and I didn't even give enough blood to save half a life. It was a funny disaster, but I'm very happy I went through with it, and I got to eat the Kristin cookies :)

the dream job

I watched Office Space with some people in the house last night. You know when the main character asks if you had a million dollars, meaning you don't have to work for money, what would you do? I almost surprised myself by how quickly I knew my answer: I'd write. Books, columns, op-eds, poetry, anything. And in my spare time I'd be a photographer. In fact I could easily write the first chapters of my autobiography right now. Although it's not in any particular order or style, I already have a lot of material on paper and on my computer. Maybe I'll write volume 1 while I'm in Japan.

The only thing is it took me a week to finally let friends know about this blogspot page, and once the email was sent I was still worried about their responses to it all and actually thought about deleting a couple of my posts. Of course I realize the entire internet world can read all of this, but the only reactions that matter to me are those of family and friends. And most of this stuff doesn't even compare to what I'd write in my real journal and in an autobiography... As amazing as it would be to get something published, I don't know if I'm ready to let everyone in. But if I don't then what's the point in writing anything?

office perks

At my desk job, I meet lots of new people and I even have regulars who are always fun to talk to (in english and japanese). And, a lot of the people who use the center happen to be really attractive men, usually foreign. Maybe that's why I kept this job ;) Anyway, last week a new guy made me laugh a couple of times and he was nice to look at, but today I was actually surprised by how much more attractive he had become. I think it was because his now close-shaved head reminded me of someone else.

........
Went swimming today :) Things are back to normal even if only temporarily.
........

New schedule:
W.O.L., Philly 8/14-9/27 (at my house or my brother's)
Omika, Japan 9/28 until June or July

counting down with goosebumps

I got a little busy and haven't gone swimming since last Tuesday :( I was such a regular that the lifeguards probably think I left Boston already. I planned on going after work tonight but it's always freezing in my office, (forgot to bring a sweater), so after working in there for 5 hours I wasn't too excited about jumping into some cold water. I still have goosebumps and it's 80 degrees outside.

I've very reluctantly started counting the days until I leave. There are a number of things I have to do one last time and stuff that I just never got around to doing like taking the sailing class, seeing Mamma Mia, friday movies at sunset on the Charles, one last attempt to watch anime with the MIT club, one last LSC movie?, the freedom trail, downtown crossing shopping or maybe just looking :)

I don't know how I'll make the transition but in 12 days I'll be moving from the Back Bay to West Oak Lane. Aaaaaah!!! Wish me luck.

big little boston and pet peeves

Boston's a really nice big little city, perfect for walking. And the landscaping was done really well especially the esplanade and the common. I don't understand why people take the T; Everything's so close and even if you tend to get lost like I do there's always something to see and you can easily find your way again. I walked all day thru Copley Sq, the Theatre District, the Common, Beacon Hill, and finally saw the sunset as I returned home along the esplanade. And in 6 hours, I saw the Blue Man Group, A Midsummer's Night Dream, and half of Much Ado About Nothing. All of the shows were very very entertaining. It must've taken me 40 minutes to finally make it back here just before house chores but it was such a great evening for walking. I don't know why people complain about new england weather so much.

The only thing that wasn't enjoyable today was when I was surrounded by a bunch of dirty pigeons and felt like I was going to be attacked like in that movie, The Birds. And later a very big dog licked and nuzzled me. I'm starting to become really uncomfortable around anything bigger than an ant but animals seem to like me for some reason. The 2 cats in our house keep following me around trying to get me to play with them but I'm so scared of being scratched or pounced on. Once I was barefoot and trapped by one of them and started hopping around because she-a medium-sized kitten with no claws-was trying to play with my feet. And when they do follow me into my room I just leave. Ironically I had a kitten named Black Beauty when I was in middle school and she was always playfully attacking people, jumping out from under tables and stuff. I'd even let her fall asleep in my lap sometimes. So why am I so scared of the black and gray kittens in our house? I must have trust issues with animals too :)

too fat and too thin

I was talking to one of my aunts the other day, and completely out of nowhere, she laughingly says, "Don't go eating all that rice in Japan and come back fat like last year." !?!?!?! It caught me by surprise and if I hadn't taken a second I probably would've said something really nasty in return. For some reason she thought that I would laugh with her instead of being really hurt by her comment.

Most people don't know how much I struggled last year because of the weight I gained. It really wasn't that much but it deeply affected my self-esteem for several months (it still does). And it was so hard to lose because first all of my life I'd been underweight for my height and I've never been on any diets or had to exercise a lot. Second being overweight makes you want to eat more not less; the depression associated with it also keeps you indoors more and consequentially less active. I even bailed out on an orientation panel because I was so self-conscious. I somehow managed to lose a little before Thanksgiving break but winterbreak at home was my real turning point. Sadly it was mostly when I was with my family that I felt my weight was a problem. Not even an hour after I got back home from Japan, I was called chipmunk cheeks and told that I looked very "country healthy" etc. I don't think I'll ever completely forgive them for that.

And now that I am smaller than before, they haven't been easier on me. When my family came up during graduation weekend, they all noticed of course. Saying that I was too thin but mostly asking me how I lost the weight and some wondering if I had developed an eating disorder (i'm seriously not that thin). When I visited Philly in June, someone said that I was starving myself. But no one commented when at every meal I ate the most out of everyone. I'm sure if they did it'd be something stupid like maybe she's pregnant.

Sadly I don't even think most of them are asking because they're concerned about my health but because they want to undermine my success because they haven't been able to lose weight. I've been incredibly supportive of them too. I've never said anything to make them feel bad. Even when my 300lb cousin commented about my weight, I was surprisingly good-spirited about the whole thing when I could've easily and justifiably said worry about your own damn fat.

Maybe I should get a doctor's note *___does not have an eating disorder* and just carry it around like a business card.