confused as usual

during senior year, i thought about the peace corps, teach for america, going straight to grad school, and the military. i was seriously considering the military up until about 2 months ago. i mentioned it to a few people during the summer. not grad school and then the military, but going straight from japan. it`s still one of my backup plans...i was thinking about a career in something like counterintelligence...traveling alot, learning more languages, retiring early, writing a few books, taking some pictures. recruiters are still calling philly.

honestly ive flip-flopped so much about law school im afraid that the admissions council will see right thru me. some weeks im so excited about law school i wish it was september already, and then some days like yesterday im thinking i might actually be relieved if i dont get into law school and have no concrete plans when i leave japan...probably similar to the strange, sudden relief i felt last june when i happily escorted my family around during graduation weekend.

regardless of where i end up after japan, i was thinking it might be nice to grow old in a socialist country and/or become one of those volunteer-in-third-world-countries-thru-retirement people.

...is there anyway i can get h.r.l. to give me an honorable discharge (w/ pay) other than because of some catastrophic event...and then i could just spend the spring and summer traveling through asia. okay, without pay would be fine too...i could always pick up a job teaching english or something :) or go home, live off my family, and do whatever i feel like doing. i cant believe i lasted this long in japan, as an engineer, working a 9-5. what would happen if i decided to quit?

too often and not often enough

have you ever caught a glimpse of someone outside of their element? outside of the environment and character you usually identify them with? you notice them first, whether they`re alone or with a group of people, and when they notice you, sometimes there is a shared sad, embarassing moment between the 2 of you. it`s just before they try too hard, too late to be `normal` for you. a rare image of them that you dont always want to remember but cant seem to forget afterwards. it`s one of the few moments that youve seen them so real and honest and vulnerable, and the most disappointing part is that theyre ashamed of it.

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familiarity. some days it is extremely comforting and others it is just unbearable. yesterday was unbearable. i found myself annoyed by things as ridiculous as a coworker`s cough, the bus ride to work...the people on it and which stops the driver makes, boss #2`s uncomfortable-unnatural-looking jeans and his green sweater, etc etc etc i need a holiday. maybe friday.

quotes from wikipedia

-anger begins with folly, and ends in repentance. (pythagoras)

-"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." churchill

-"To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often." churchill

-write in the sand the flaws of your friend. (pythagoras)

-"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery." churchill

-"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute talk with the average voter." churchill

-sooner throw a pearl at hazard than an idle or useless word; and do not say a little in many words, but a great deal in a few. (pythagoras)

-"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." churchill

-"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." churchill

-it is not ignorance that is the problem, but the illusion of knowledge.

-pray for what you want. work for what you need.

-forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

-if your glass is half empty, fill it.

-the glass isnt half empty. it isnt half full. you just need to add ice.

-if voting changed anything it would be illegal.

-life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.

-everyone is entitled to my opinion.

-half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.

-dont cry because it`s over, smile because it happened.

-be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still.

-never mistake knowledge for wisdom. one helps you make a living and the other helps you make a life.

-people too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage others.

-at the end of the game, the pawn and the king go back in the same box.

-procrastinate later.

-it`s only after we`ve lost everything that we`re free to do anything.


-ill try to be nicer if youll try being smarter

-since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-people say i shouldnt frown because it uses more muscles than smiling. then i point out that americans need their exercise.

-lottery is a tax on people who cannot do the math.

-optimists are merely pessimists in denial.

-the optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. the pessimist fears this is true.

-repeat after me, we are all individuals.

-jesus is coming, look busy.

-there are only 2 people in this world who i trust-one is me and the other isnt you.

-those who think they know-it-all are very annoying to those of us who do.

one more january day

i have this weird feeling that ive been here before.

strange dreams filled with people i thought id forgotten already.

if i stare out into the pacific long enough, one of these days im sure ill see california...

i may as well have been sleep-walking through half of january.

twice i wanted to slowly walk out the lab, down the four flights of stairs, calmly switch my shoes for my sneaks, leave the building and then just run until i was nowhere. but too many people would notice the fleeing foreigner and too soon id be back on the hill again.

occassionally ill wake up momentarily confused about where i am as if i havent been waking up here for 4 months now. but maybe the confusion is justifiable. maybe this really isnt where im supposed to be waking up.

some days i look in the mirror and wonder is that really how i look and if so why doesnt it match how im feeling.

was last week really necessary?

at least there are sunny days.

business trip

after a 3 hr long weekly group meeting last tuesday-it`s usually on mondays, so only 3 people decided to nap this time including the group leader- i made the mistake of noticing an office poster with an exotic fish on it advertising some tokyo event last week.

my boss explained it was for `internepcon`...no clue what that meant. he and this other boss of mine-too many bosses in these japanese companies, still dont understand what some of them do if anything-decided that i should go to this event on a business trip. both agreed it would be fun and interesting. they started making plans while i learned more from this website and flier my boss gave me. after about 5 minutes of searching really hard i stopped looking for the reason why they thought this would be a fun business trip for me. and when my boss, after already making plans for us to go to tokyo, excitingly asks in japanese if ill go, i thought about saying, in english, i`d rather do labwork all day friday than play hooky and go to tokyo for free.

that was some really great advertising...the website headline: `japan`s largest exhibition featuring all lines of materials, equipment and technology for electronics manufacturing` ...what does that have to do with a yellow striped fish? the displays will probably be really superhightech and futuristic at least, and the conference is invitation-only for company reps primarily, so i feel special. plus if i get bored at that exhibition there are 5 more electronics conferences going on in the same building. fiber optics, ic packaging, fuel cells, wiring boards galore.

it probably would be really fun and interesting if i were a hardcore electronics geek or atleast still considering a future career in engineering but since neither is the case ill probably enjoy the trip mostly because...i love train rides, ill see some other foreigners in tokyo if not at the exhibition, i get to `dress up` meaning no chemical-stained lab pants, and have lunch at a restaurant instead of a cafeteria. and it`s company-paid.

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turns out i was right. one part of the trip included riding at the very front of this computer-operated train. no conductor, great views of tokyo and tokyo bay, it`s own tracks under the famous rainbow bridge. coming back we went by `sea bus`, reminded me of the penns landing ferry, and stopped at this great book/music district in tokyo. we went inside the largest bookstore (8 floors of books, and a restaurant or coffee shop or 2 on each floor). i was all excited-they had one huge floor of all english books including new arrivals, classics, and current bestsellers in the u.s.　if i wasnt with my boss i wouldve stayed forever, or atleast until they closed, or made a stop at as many of the other bookstores as possible. i was just scooping up books and had to put some back because i didnt have enough cash on me (japan should use credit cards more). if i had 100 dollars on me i wouldve probably spent 97 of it (i had $60). already read 2 of my new purchases (the bell jar, the five people you meet in heaven) on 2 different weeknights. we also stopped at this famous bakery in ueno that sells potato-apple pies. yum!

oh yeah the exhibit. there were robots and fuel cell bikes and things like that. and a few foreigners because of the handful of western and singapore/chinese/indian companies. werent many women at all other than exhibit `hostesses` passing out fliers or just there to attract male customers sometimes (even canon did it). i met some coworkers from my last trip in japan. got to pass out my hitachi japanese business cards. tokyo big site, the hall name, from the outside reminded me of something holl/gehry might have designed except it was still very functional. there were so many people and 1000+ different companies you could hardly move sometimes. we sat in on one of the tech presentations and my boss dozed off for a good 10 minutes while i feigned interest because we were sitting up front. i was really tired and really bored until we left. cant wait to go back to ochanomizu (the book district).

faq: is there gatorade in japan?

yes, there is gatorade in japan but it`s very hard to find some. i finally found some only after searching really hard in this big general store that has a large section of nonalcholic beverages in bulk supply on shelves (like a bj`s for drinks only). a few bottles on the bottom shelf. i wouldntve seen any if i hadnt been looking. in japan they only have gatorade xtra which is clear and not artificially flavored. sorry no fierce grape :) i asked one of the guys at work and he said in the past there was gatorade in a can. he described it as being ugh green, very sweet, and not very good. a lot of japanese people find american artificially colored sweets and beverages very strange and too sweet. hence there are no purple, blue, green drinks/candy here other than m&ms and grape juice.

as far as sports drinks though, pocari sweat, aquarius (a coca-cola product and a close gatorade equivalent), and amino supli are the popular ones. none of them are as thick nor sweet as american gatorade, and theyre all clear of course, except pocari sweat looks very suspiciously like its name :)

other nonalcoholic japanese drinks...canned coffee-in the winter, vending machines dispense hot, canned coffee-is extremely popular, and cold japanese tea of all kinds. i`m hooked; i drink green tea, hot or cold, everyday. there are also plenty of milk+water/juice/tea drinks. one of my favorites from last time is calpis. it`s cultured nonfat milk that comes in 2 forms, carbonated or noncarbonated...kinda like drinking water/soda + yogurt. unfortunately the name might turn some people away (sounds like cow piss).


if you`re ever in japan and want an american beverage, there`s always coke. if you want something green, try some green tea :)


*suntory drinks

*another list

*not really about japanese drinks but interesting,engrish

because of bush (and the people who voted for him)

`i urge all people to vote. i urge people to defy these terrorists. i am impressed by the bravery of the iraqi citizens.` bush

i`d vote...as soon as bush, without any security, walks alone to the polls. better yet let rumsfield walk with him. and with all the money we`ve been spending there should be no rebels left to defy.

why does it seem like by the time america rids the middle east of evil there wont be anyone else living there either? was sadam better than king george`s reign?

will there be any government funding left for me to go to grad school? and will the dollar ever recover? or should i stay in asia or try my luck in switzerland (luxembourg, sweden, norway one of those rich, neutral, safe, high standard of living countries)?

....3 posts in one day, ive finally caught up!...

office wonders and phoning home

there`s a guy at work in the same main office but a part of a different lab group. i dont know him. i know his name only because they gave me seating charts of everyone in the office. he always has a huge smile on his face. it`s not such a great smile. once i thought it might just be permanent because of some teeth/jaw problem. he`s not very attractive at all in fact it looks like something might be wrong with him mentally, although that probably isnt true...unless he has a mild form of asperger`s syndrom or something similar which very well could be true since i`m certain there was a population of men at mit with the disease. but that doesnt matter. his happiness, it seems for no particular reason other than being at work, is quite contagious and mystifying. he`s happy 8:30am on monday and still happy thursday at 5pm. i wish i could be that pleased at work, at home even. i wonder what his life outside of work is like. i wonder what he eats for breakfast.

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as soon as i left for japan, my mother started watching cnn, encouraging friends and other family members to do the same on a daily basis. when i called home on sunday i was told by my sister that they were so worried about me because of the tidal waves and why hadnt i called them to say i was okay. i said oh you mean the tsunami in the indian ocean, you`re late girl, i already called home many times after that happen, you must have been asleep or at work. she said mommy was trying to call you all week and you never answered (i remembered the phone call i ignored at 5am on friday; i remembered that when i`m online my phone fails to let non-japan callers ring in; i remembered that i keep my cell phone on vibration mode a lot).

oh? tell me more about these tidal waves. tyra (cousin) heard about it on cnn on tuesday or wednesday and called mommy. i hadnt heard about any tsunami warnings in japan recently. i did a quick google search, `tsunami warnings japan`, before she went on about the blizzard and her grades from her first semester at community-she got her first 4.0 ever, senie, the older of my 2 sisters, got a 2.0. i`m jealous. i miss school, i want some snow. she offered me her psychology class and philly`s 10 inches. sure enough on wednesday there was a tsunami warning-later withdrawn-for the izu islands (southeastern japan, ranging from 60-200 miles from tokyo), after a 6.8 quake in the pacific. and it seems people were told to evacuate to higher ground.

i guess it wasnt such a big deal in the national japan news because these tsunamis, quakes, floods, typhoons, volcanic eruptions are not rare here. that makes me nervous. reading articles like this and this make me more nervous. im very scared about all these predicted catastropic quakes but ironically the frequent day to day tremors/quakes dont phase me much any more. sometimes i cant even recall them...was there an earthquake yesterday? were there 2 on friday? was that a tremor or just the wobble-design effect of the building? ive been living here too long. i should remember when the ground shakes.

future blog thoughts

eventually i`ll write about some of this stuff...

-2004 reflections (relationships, personal growth, my month in philly)
-work/coworkers recently
-summer 2005 projects
-crows
-snail mail
-japanese `english` and tv commercials
-japanese fashion trends
-amazing convenience stores
-weird dreams
-father`s day
-spring plans
-bus drivers
-ironic lifestyle
-out of the loop (american pop culture)

...and maybe this week i`ll live up to my blog`s name :)

missed the train

back-logged blogging is addictive...
.....
i was sitting on the train this morning waiting for it to pull off and when it did i suddenly felt like i had been left behind...weird. maybe it was because i was half-asleep...slept-in too much over the 3 day weekend and then couldnt fall asleep at a normal time last night.

i really did miss the train last wednesday though. it was my first day back to work after winter break but the train line was still on vacation. the night before i didnt get home until about 10:30 because of the infrequent, irregular train holiday schedule, and while waiting over an hour for the connecting train i made a mental note to catch the 8:03 or 7:33 train the next morning so i wouldnt be late for work. turns out there was no 8:03 train or at least the 8:03 train was departing from my destination (omika) going to ayukawa, not leaving from ayukawa (doh!). the next train didnt come until 20 minutes later so i missed all my buses going to hitachi research from omika and instead arrived to work in a taxi. a short, expensive ride but i hate being late....if there is such a thing i have `must-be-one-of-the-first-to-arrive` OCD (excluding social functions of course).

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5 year high school reunion for ghs 244! i feel a little old and very unmarried (not even close to being engaged) and very unsettled career-wise. oh well...i have 5 more years til the next one. i cant make this one anyway.
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year of the bird

My winter travel adventures were amazing...traditional, mountain towns...breathtakingly beautiful and serene. watching the snow fall while in the outdoor hot springs ...soaking in life`s simple pleasures and just being. i wanted to stay at chojukan for the rest of winter. too bad most tourists dont know that japan`s greatest attractions are not in tokyo. also couldnt help noticing how attractive and young the monks were in the koyasan temple (and no ivana i did not flirt with the monks, nor the below mentioned basketball team :)

Years from now when i`m settled down i may come back to japan on holiday every few years with my family. speaking of holidays, no work today! seijin no hi or coming of age day for 20 year olds in japan.

new year`s was interesting, and of course very very different than what i`m used to (partying, clubs, times square countdown, church before/after; soulfood including black eyed peas and chitlins and a side of family drama). this year i spent new year`s with the senior researcher i work with and his family. we did hatsumode, waiting in a long line for the first year`s visit and prayer at a shrine, and bought darma omamori and omikuzi (shinto fortunes...mine literally said `half happiness` :( We ate a traditional japanese new year`s dinner of all kinds of delicious food that each had some new year`s wish associated with it like clairvoyance, good health, prosperity, luck etc. although i wish they had left out some details i.e. little herring eggs (for fertility) and the various parts of octopus. they also bought me a traditional new year`s card/lottery ticket. it was all very drama-free. but i kinda missed the crazy, weed-filled clubs on del ave and the after, after house parties hosted by friends/cousins. i even missed the cultish-like church services with all the `chreasters` who found jesus at new year`s again. i love philly!

shocked

shocked...
-when this old man first assumed i was from india then suggested that we go to kyoto together, kept telling me how much money he had, and then tried to give me his phone number in case i changed my mind he said. this isnt the first time a japanese man/boy has flirted with me but this was a harmless looking old man propositioning me in a tokyo train station. he really messed up my view of old japanese men. and just b4 he came along, i was in such a good mood...happily admiring a japanese basketball team a few feet away.

-when i came home after skipping the ski trip-too exhausted-and found out about the tsunami. surreal...more like a movie, `deep impact`. what made this natural disaster even more real to me was the fact that i wanted to see more of asia this second time around and if i had started planning my winterbreak earlier I (and a few coworkers too) could have been in the tsunami area instead of in western japan for christmas. i was also shocked to learn that several westerners continued vacationing/partying days later while others tried to identify bodies, and find shelter and food.

-when a strong earthquake from the pacific-the pacific that i can see and hear from my bedroom, the pacific that most tsunami`s originate from-woke me up on new year`s morning. i am very aware of the fact that japan gets more than its share of natural disasters and somehow, even during typhoon season, i gave very little thought to the ocean literally in my backyard. the magnitue and location were a shock but honestly i`m too much of an adventurer at heart to worry about so many uncontrollable things, and i also have faith in japan`s warning/evacuation systems.

-when the first week of january had several days of highs near or above 60 degrees. global warming is becoming really scary...most people dont even see anything wrong with all these abnormally warm days.